I listened to every Eurovision 2016 entry, so you don’t have to

Way to waste a moody opening! The verses aren’t very catchy and the chorus is just whiny. I don’t hate it, but can’t say anything positive.

I’ve no idea what’s going on with the faux-phone call, but its not the first act to badly copy a best-selling artist.

When you’ve only 3 minutes, you need to build momentum more quickly than this song. I can’t tell if this a power ballad or a club anthem.

Austria must’ve just gotten last year’s bill. That’s the only reason I can think of for a song with no discernible hook and a 90s vibe.

This reminds me of Arianna Grande. Anthemic, good hook, and good contrast between verse and chorus. This would be at home in the UK Top 40.

I can imagine this could have been a better song with a better singer. That said, excellent use of electric guitar and synth.

10 seconds in, my only comment is this: hell yes.

This is 70s disco mixed with Mark Ronson and Fleur East. Superb effort, Belgium.

A terribly unexciting duet. I’d have expected a track this dull in the early 2000’s. The rap came from nowhere and fails to impress.

Three words: Bloody. Good. Tune.

This is a song to put an arena in a party mood. It reminds me of Beyoncé and Galantis.

This could have been a superb ballad; the instrumentation is intriguing, and there’s a key change. But you can’t excuse the weak vocals.

After 2015’s Cypriot snooze fest, this is pretty refreshing and fun! I’m not cool enough to have an opinion about this energised rock song.

There’s clearly a competent singer here, but the song is just uninspiring ballad that never quite pulls your heartstrings.

If Boyzone met One Direction and had gaybies, this would be the result. Unoriginal, but definitely catchy. Disappointing lack of key change.

Did Estonia kidnap Jamie Cullum?

This pop-jazz fusion is pretty interesting but I’m not sure it’s strong enough to place well though.

This is going to be a great opening number that’ll pump some energy into the stadium. It’s a safe, strong pop affair; and I like it!

It’s unusual to hear English lyrics in the French entry, but it’s another conservative choice for France. At least it’s not another ballad.

This starts as a polished rock number reminiscent of the Arctic Monkeys, and then completely loses its shit, like Muse on acid. Bonkers.

This had all the elements it needed to work, but it just doesn’t. What could’ve been a solid competitor ends up as a squandered opportunity.

Greece, we need to have words. What happened? Did you go in too heavy on the ouzo when you picked this? Nil points.

There’s so much gravel in this guy’s throat, I want to give him a throat lozenge. It’s a strong vocal for a strong song.

Everything’s so nicey-nicey, boring-snoring, and then… boom the crazy is let loose. Well played Iceland. Well played.

Ireland’s firmly in late-90s boyband territory here; late-90s singer, late-90s song, late-90s cheese. It’s more Bryan Adams than Westlife.

If Hovi is a Star, he’s a fading star that’s imploding into irrelevance.

This is a total let down after mini Il Divo last year. It’s gratuitous instrumentation is uninspiring at best; an ear-assault at worst.

This sounds like the musical love child of Bastille and Boy George. It’s all pretty psychedelic; in a good way.

Amongst a pack of slightly-dancey-drum-heavy ballads, this is just meh. It builds fairly well, but the ending is too abrupt.

I’ve got to sit through this at least once, possibly twice; and that doesn’t make me happy.

If you ever bought an Ibiza remix CD when they were a thing, you know what this is like. Good vocals, rhythm and pacing. Solid track.

This feels like a dated STEPS number. Which should be fun - because we can all do some line dancing in the arena.

Whilst the instrumentation is solid, the lead vocals sound like drunk dads doing karaoke at a wedding. They just drone on, and on, and on…

This is like a Beatles-country revival. I’d be happy for this to “speed up brother", just so it was over. Not a fan.

The verses and the chorus in this sound like two completely different songs; both independently brilliant, but terrible together.

I’m not sure what metaphor Michał is going for, but regardless, this is a pretty dull. I suspect this will be knocked out in the semi-final.

Someone sign this guy up for a Broadway musical. I’m sure the theatrics with this will be a joy to watch. Bravo.

A decent key change, and some false endings make this a pretty full on dance number. A fairly weak male vocal though.

San Marino has run out of talent. It was inevitable with a population of 32,000.

Let’s hope this Shaft rip off falls at the first hurdle.

The vocalist in this song is superb; and she knows how to pull off a good key change. It’ll never win but it might get through to the final.

This is one of the least imaginative sets of lyrics in a Eurovision song for a while. Which would be fine, but the song is also uninspiring.

Yes, Spain! This is everything I want from Euro-pop: catchy, full of bass and camp as Christmas.

Sweden just has a knack of producing pop songs that are on point; and this is another. This sounds like it’s from Coldplay’s latest album.

I have very little to say about this. I enjoyed the nap I had whilst it was on.

This is as morbid as a dead duck floating upside down in a pond. The duck was probably killed by the hideous screaming at the end.

I maintain this is a weak choice compared with others the UK could’ve picked; but it’s not awful, and it’ll probably get the 1D-tween vote.