I listened to every Eurovision 2019 entry, so you don’t have to

I searched for the words to describe my feelings towards this year’s Albanian entry. And I found them in the very first line of the lyrics! Loosely translated:

“You sing”

She does.

“And cry”

I did.

Sometimes the jokes just sing themselves.

There. Are. Too. Many. False. Stops. In. This. Song.

That aside; it’s pretty good. There’s a decent riff in the chorus, the vocalist has some kick and the music has bite. There’s even a well-landed key change to boot — the first of the album, though not the first one in the eventual running order.

Chalk and cheese. Drinking and driving. Socks and sandles. These are things that don’t go well together.

Now we add to this list: “90s anthems” and “the operatic style”.

Following several years of quality tunes, the Auss-he-he-he-he-ies have entered something bonkers.

Big questions first: how do you pronounce “PAENDA”; is it the same as “panda”?

Back to the track: this is all grotesquely wishy-washy. The whole thing — from vocals to soundtrack — is like a car boot sale version of an Ellie Goulding track.

This is a catchy tune that I like. If I had to choose 3 words to describe this, they would be:

1. Slick
2. Bass
3. Bop

There’s a pretty catchy riff in this track, and the lyrics speak to me: “so shut up about it”.

This is a classic case of nominative determinism if I’ve ever heard one. I like it!

This dance number has a pretty good rhythm, and an irritatingly repetitious set of lyrics. I would be surprised if it was a high scorer, but it’s a potential floor filler.

The Belgians have come up with a half-baked bun with this one. The tempo and instrumentation is all over the bakery shop in this Bastille-like pop number.

It’s erratic rhythm means you can never quite get into it’s disappointing groove.

Much like Roko, I have a dream. I dream of a ballad with soaring vocals and excellent lyrics; of awe inspiring vocals and epic proportions.

This song is not that dream.

No. This ballad has an above average vocalist, dull backing music, vacuous lyrics and a poor key change.

Clearly drunk on last year’s near-miss with Fuego, Cyprus has doubled down on the fiery pop genre. So much so that large chunks of the song appear to be very, very similar to the almost-winning song. That’s alright though, this is a fun and punchy tune to bop to.

I wanted to like this. It started well — with a catchy beat — but then at 30 seconds into the track, something awful happens. The main vocalist appears to put on a shit, cockney accent and tries to rap.

The main riff-of-a-riff-of-a-riff is pretty good; but that accent. Eurgh.

Oh Denmark: what happened?

Last year you gave us dramatic Viking-Disney vibes; this year you give us Bargain Hunt Bjork. In four languages, no less.

“Love is Forever” but thankfully this song is only for 3 minutes.

If you like mash-ups of country and dance-pop and want to live like it’s 2013, pretending Avicii is still a thing; then this is the track for you!

This charming, yet thumping number has lots to like. A good tune, some tacky and meaningless lyrics, and a decent vocal.

As you would expect for a Darude track, this evokes strong 90s vibes. I, of course, missed the 90s club scene, being an actual child, but you get the point.

When you’re the creator of the all-time trance epic that is Sandstorm, though, it’s all down hill from there; isn’t it?

Fuck me with a croissant; it’s happened! For the first time since I don’t remember when the French have an entry I actually like!

It’s fresh, it’s got a decent pace, it’s got good a couple of good riffs and it’s bilingual! Aces. (Who says the French don’t like singing in English?)

Another year, another utterly dismal entry from our friends in Georgia.

It drags. It’s got some weird and strained vocals. It’s got boring instrumentation.

With so many failed attempts in recent years, you’d think they’d get the message: read the room, guys!

Having seen the name of the track and of the artist, I expected some kind of remix of a classic Nickelodeon show soundtrack. Instead, I got this dreary ballad.

There are some nice two-part harmonies in here, and that’s probably the nicest thing I can say about it.

Singing the missing 15th track from her debut album: it’s Jess Glynne! Except it isn’t; it’s someone called Katerine.

This beaty pop-ballad is perhaps just about good enough to avoid the same fate as Jess Glynne’s back catalogue, providing the backing track for Jet2’s commercials.

From the translated lyrics, this appears to be a song about the artists dead father. Whilst that’s touching, tears do not equal points.

I’d call this “traditionally Eastern European” in style. It’s singer is capable; there’s a decent riff, if you like the genre. That’s about it.

WHAT. IS. THIS. HORROR. SHOW?!

This is like Daft Punk meets Black Sabbath. There’s lots of very uncomfortable shouting in this song, followed by some pulsating and actually quite enjoyable electronic stylings.

BUT. PLEASE. MAKE. THE. SHOUTING. STOP.

Ireland’s run of teen boys singing ballads is over, replaced instead by a mid-tempo ode to Count Von Count.

Why is “22” significant to Sarah?

Is it the age of her lover? Or a hotel room number?

Maybe we’ll never know. The song passes quickly without answers or a lasting impression.

Our hosts have entered a song with a title that might be a just a little on the nose. The song itself is not a patch on the majesty of last year’s winner.

Ok, it’s just shit. It takes almost two thirds of the song to get going, and even then it’s just dire. Utterly dire.

In recent years Italy have gone from “crazy ape” to “drunk dad at a wedding”, and now to “rip off Liam Payne”.

One mustn’t complain though. Whilst the lyrics are in Italian, they are at least (once translated) cogent and even powerful; a improvement on recent years. Pretty good!

A lullaby country song is our gift from Latvia this year. By “gift” I mean like socks for Christmas: it’s good to get them, so you no longer have to buy some, but it’s nonetheless dull.

That’s how I feel about this song. Pleasant enough — so thanks Latvia — but a snooze-fest.

A song to sway to!

The melody is pleasing enough, with a fair-to-middling tempo to carry it along. The main riff in the chorus is a bit of an ear worm too.

It does kind of fall apart in the middle-eight, breaking the flow of what otherwise is a well put together track.

Could we be headed to Malta in 2020? With this tune, amongst this pretty dull pack; maybe.

This up-beat and wacky track has some interesting instrumentation, and it certainly isn’t dull. Whether it’s a bit too off-the-wall remains to be seen.

The Moldovan’s have given us a power ballad.

Yes! I love a power ballad.

Unfortunately it’s not a particularly good ballad. There’s a competent vocal on this track, but an utterly squandered key change. For a power ballad, it just lacks — well — power.

This is a group affair, in 90s R&B styling, with a “local instrument” for good measure.

It’s got me thinking of a word. You know… When the word means the opposite of something? Antonyms.

That’s this song.

The artists called it “Heaven”, but what they meant was ‌”Hell”. See? Antonyms.

Reading this, you might be thinking I hate slow songs: I don’t, I hate bad slow songs. I like good ones. This is a good one.

Well produced, a good vocal, and some bare but effective instrumentation. There’s even some clapping.

I doubt it’s a winner, but it’s a slow song done well.

The newly renamed Former Yugoslav Republic of North Macedonia had a chance to show Europe what their new brand meant.

How did it choose to celebrate this moment? With a song called “Proud”. One of the 7 deadly sins, but OK.

What does it sound like? Sticking to a theme: sloth. This is not the way to do a rebrand.

This is a floor filler that packs a punch. It’s messy — of that there’s no doubt — but it’s got spunk. The middle-eight is truly batshit crazy: which I like.

My biggest critique is that it doesn’t make much use of there being two vocalists; barely a decent harmony in earshot.

This sounds like a bunch of school kids singing in a playground with a soundtrack. It’s annoying.

It has no discernible melodic quality, and the vocalists are seemingly relying on quantity over quality. I can only assume there’s some kind of gimmick to make up for the awful song.

What the actual fuck is this Portugal? As if Salvador Sobral wasn’t enough pain to inflict on the world; now you do this?

I can’t even finish the song — I’ve actually skipped it. It’s that bad.

This is a heavy contrast track. It starts all light and acoustic, and then switches to heavy bass. And then it switches back. And then back again. And… you get the idea.

The vocals are capable, and the melody is fun and edgy.

It’s alright. A bit safe, perhaps. But alright.

I expected greatness from Sergey. I mean, he gave us “You Are the Only One”, nearly breaking his own neck in the process. Instead? This ballad.

What has happened to Russia the last couple of years? It used to produce class acts — now it’s produces songs barely worth the time.

This is another good example of nominative determinism on this year’s Eurovision soundtrack. To this, I say “nah nah nah”.

How does a country with such a minuscule population produce so many bad songs? That’s what I’d like to know.

Yet another poorly put together, slow and drab song. Whining vocals and an unimaginative melody punctuate this never-ending bore of a song.

It tries to get going toward the end, but it’s a bit like trying to get a clapped-out banger up a very steep hill: you just can’t.

You remember those old O2 adverts? The ones with the crashing bubbles?

This track just sounds like the background noise on one of those adverts. It’s forgettable. So forgettable, in fact, I blitzed through the whole track almost without registering it consciously in my brain.

Sigh. It’s hard to believe that the same country that produced Ruth Lorenzo, and the epic “Dancing in the Rain” also produced this monstrosity.

OK, the positives: It is fast moving. It’s very Spanish. It’s fun, I guess. None of that negates the fact that it is a truly awful song.

Thank God for Sweden, eh? Maybe I’m biased — I love Swedish pop — but this is brilliant.

It’s a bit heavy on the false stops, but the gospel overtones and the catchy chorus are golden. It stands out, and I love it.

Douze points to Sweden for me.

It’s clear where the inspiration for this came from, and I’m sorry to say that the Swiss have finally caught up with the criminally bad tune, Despacito.

This somehow manages to be even more annoying than that trash bag, with what I think are bag pipes screeching in the background.

To describe this as a rejected X-Factor winner’s single does not do justice to this entry from these fair shores.

The polls already show that lots of the UK want out of Eurovision. The least the Beeb could do is not fan the flames of such idiocy with entries like this![^gbr]

In fairness to the artist, the vocal is very good — I just wish the BBC would stop churning out such boring songs.